UnWantEd..
Beware! I'm in a melancholic mood. So my writings for today will be depressing. Sad. Suicidal even.. Sigh. Maybe it's my hormones. I'm due to get my period anytime soon and instead of the normal tantrums women throw when their 'best friend' is visiting, I just feel melancholic, UNWANTED, and alone.
I came home early yesterday. Was at home by 7.15pm. Had a quick dinner, showered and was in bed by 8.20pm. I wanted to just relax, initially. Body was aching (from the exercise in the morning) and I wanted to rest. Room was dark and only the soft air-con sound could be heard.. with Innuendo's 'Essentials' playing in the background.
Then it happened. I burst out crying. And I cried and I cried and I cried till I can't cry no more and fell asleep - crying. (Thank God I'm not one of those women who suffer from 'puffy-redish-eyes' after lots of crying. In fact, most of the time, people won't even notice that I've just gone through a crying session..).
Thing is.. I was feeling just so horny last night. So okay.. I'm horny most of the time (I've friends who swear I'm just a healthy woman), but the feeling doubled last night. Maybe all the stretchings I did during the pilate class boost my hormones. Maybe. But the worse part was, I had no one to share my 'sexual' desires with. So teruk kan.. Oh God. I'm being too open now. Maybe I should rate this blog as 18SX. But then again, this is MY blog and I can write whatever I want to. And I want to write about how horny and lonely I felt last night.
The feeling I had last night was unusual. It's more like 'wanting to share your body fluids with someone, but no one to share it with.' It's a feeling of being so alone and 'unwanted'. No one wants to touch me. No one wants to kiss me. No one wants to hug me, hold me or whisper sweet words to me. No one wants to share my fluids.
.. That's how UNWANTED I felt. But why don't they want me..? Maybe cuz I'm just so ugly. Maybe I don't know how to kiss or please a man. Maybe my breath stinks and I have this terrible odour that men find me a total turn-off. Maybe my body's so weird that I'm truly undesirable. That's how I'm feeling -- undesirable.
To make things worse, I saw someone in the office today. Yup -- I saw 'Mr R'. And guess what? I heard a few weeks ago that he's getting married. SOON.
Like: "Hello.. aren't you supposed to be hurting, still? I know I sent you an e-mail to stop waiting for me in February, and you have the right to go look for someone new. But it's only May now and you've not only found someone new, you want to MARRY her!! Already??!! Sigh. Whatever happened to 'I'll wait for you', 'I've never met someone quite like you', 'I'm very fond of you' -shit? Am I that easy to forget? Am I so REPLACEABLE? I know you can't wait for me forever, but can't you just mourn a little longer.. pretend that you're feeling a little more pain..?"
Hmmm...
... Lonely won't leave me alone.. lonely won't leave me alone.. why, tell me why.. won't even let me fall in love..?
ps. Ruth, Nels, Leila (I love you!), Ravi, Sher, Manjit -- I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls last night.That doesn't mean I don't love you.. *muahs*
Beware! I'm in a melancholic mood. So my writings for today will be depressing. Sad. Suicidal even.. Sigh. Maybe it's my hormones. I'm due to get my period anytime soon and instead of the normal tantrums women throw when their 'best friend' is visiting, I just feel melancholic, UNWANTED, and alone.
I came home early yesterday. Was at home by 7.15pm. Had a quick dinner, showered and was in bed by 8.20pm. I wanted to just relax, initially. Body was aching (from the exercise in the morning) and I wanted to rest. Room was dark and only the soft air-con sound could be heard.. with Innuendo's 'Essentials' playing in the background.
Then it happened. I burst out crying. And I cried and I cried and I cried till I can't cry no more and fell asleep - crying. (Thank God I'm not one of those women who suffer from 'puffy-redish-eyes' after lots of crying. In fact, most of the time, people won't even notice that I've just gone through a crying session..).
Thing is.. I was feeling just so horny last night. So okay.. I'm horny most of the time (I've friends who swear I'm just a healthy woman), but the feeling doubled last night. Maybe all the stretchings I did during the pilate class boost my hormones. Maybe. But the worse part was, I had no one to share my 'sexual' desires with. So teruk kan.. Oh God. I'm being too open now. Maybe I should rate this blog as 18SX. But then again, this is MY blog and I can write whatever I want to. And I want to write about how horny and lonely I felt last night.
The feeling I had last night was unusual. It's more like 'wanting to share your body fluids with someone, but no one to share it with.' It's a feeling of being so alone and 'unwanted'. No one wants to touch me. No one wants to kiss me. No one wants to hug me, hold me or whisper sweet words to me. No one wants to share my fluids.
.. That's how UNWANTED I felt. But why don't they want me..? Maybe cuz I'm just so ugly. Maybe I don't know how to kiss or please a man. Maybe my breath stinks and I have this terrible odour that men find me a total turn-off. Maybe my body's so weird that I'm truly undesirable. That's how I'm feeling -- undesirable.
To make things worse, I saw someone in the office today. Yup -- I saw 'Mr R'. And guess what? I heard a few weeks ago that he's getting married. SOON.
Like: "Hello.. aren't you supposed to be hurting, still? I know I sent you an e-mail to stop waiting for me in February, and you have the right to go look for someone new. But it's only May now and you've not only found someone new, you want to MARRY her!! Already??!! Sigh. Whatever happened to 'I'll wait for you', 'I've never met someone quite like you', 'I'm very fond of you' -shit? Am I that easy to forget? Am I so REPLACEABLE? I know you can't wait for me forever, but can't you just mourn a little longer.. pretend that you're feeling a little more pain..?"
Hmmm...
... Lonely won't leave me alone.. lonely won't leave me alone.. why, tell me why.. won't even let me fall in love..?
ps. Ruth, Nels, Leila (I love you!), Ravi, Sher, Manjit -- I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls last night.That doesn't mean I don't love you.. *muahs*
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