oF beiNg sAd aND pRetEndiNg eVeRYtHiNg's aLriGht..

Fred pushed my 'weak' button yesterday. He asked what will I be doing on my birthday. Sigh..

Can I say I'm feeling depressed? That life suddenly seemed so meaningless? Two years ago, I wasn't even sure I'll live to see my 25th birthday. I was suffering from post-op depression and badly wanted to die. And then nenek passed away instead, exactly one week after I turned 25. And last year, mak wan passed away exactly one week before my birthday. That's two grandmas leaving me without having the chance of seeing me get married. Both leaving me just days before and after my birthday..

And this year? I pray that there'll be no death this year (I'm running out of grandmothers... hahaha.. Lame joke. Lame joke. I love both my grandmas.. I really do). But one thing for certain, it's just gonna be as depressing as ever. With no one to celebrate it with, apart from ayah and mama, of course. I wish I had someone who'll tell me: 'Hey, I've lined up a whole lot of activities for us to do on your birthday. But it'll be a surprise for now!'. And then, there'll be breakfast, lunch and dinner with that someone special, a nice movie, a read in the park, or just snuggling up to him as we drive around KL. And yes, lots of kisses on that day will be divine..

But that's not going to happen. Instead, I have to take my baby to the workshop (she's due for servicing) and then gi another workshop in Subang to get some of her lose parts fixed. And then maybe it's Astro keeping me company for the rest of the day.

Thing is, I don't think I want to go out with any of my friends that day. Can I say that I just want to be alone..? Maybe if I close my eyes, the day will just pass without anyone noticing..

I accompanied Sabbs to see her 'future mother-in-law' semalam. And suddenly, I wondered when will I ever have a 'mother-in-law'. In fact, I've not gone out on a REAL date for so long. When was the last time I heard a man telling me that 'he loves me' and that 'I'm the most wonderful thing to happen to him' when we go out? When was the last time someone kissed me and tell me that he's just so grateful that I 'sayang' him too? When was the last time someone actually uttered 'I love you' to me and meant it?

Ntah la. The last REAL relationship I had, ended more than 16 months ago. And since then, I've been having on-and-off relationships with bastards; people who don't even give a fuck about me... (but want to fuck me, of course..).

Suddenly life seemed so meaningless. What's the meaning of life when you don't have someone to share it with? What's the meaning of sweet kisses when they kiss you for sake of wanting to 'taste' you? What's the meaning of being called 'sayang' when they don't even care about you?

Sigh.. so it's gonna be another sad birthday for me. 'Ah.. it's alright. Maybe next year will be different..' I tell myself the same story year after year. But you know what? Maybe it's time I realise that there's a high probability that next year's birthday is just gonna be the same as this year's.

I'm rambling, as usual. But yeah, I'm depressed. I hope this depression is not permanent. I hope it's just PMS. Cuz if I don't get back on my feet soon, I'll probably end up in a mental institution. I've read somewhere that people can go bonkers when they let depression get into them.

Another sigh. I'm not gonna think about my birthday la. And I'm not going to think about past relationships and men. Thank God I'm swamped with work. And then after work, I'll head to the gym.. Esok, I'm hoping to have lunch with Zelle, and then dinner with Amelin and Vicky. Thank God for friends who do their utmost best to put a smile on my face. Thank God for parents and sister who love me unconditionally. Thank God for work that's keeping me so busy that I have little time to think about my failures in leading a meaningful life.

Sigh..

ps./ Thank God for Leila who tolerated my nonsense last night.
pss./ Ahmad Izham Omar!! Thank you for being my friend and still wanting to talk to me eventhough you're no longer the ordinary Joe that I used to know.. hehe..