fEeL LiKe bLOggiNg..

I have not been blogging religiously.. so shoot me!

The thing is, I do want to blog. I want to say what I feel. There were days when I'm angry or depressed or annoyed or irritated or simply feeling sad and alone. So many feelings pent up, kan?

I have been spending my off days with Zelle and Ruth.. Hari tu, Chinese New Year, I lepak-ed with Yin-Ying, Yen Wah, Chewie, Fei Ping and Siew Ling. Met Pei Pei and her hubby too the other day.. Sometimes kan, I miss my old school friends. They are the ones who've tolerated my nonsense, cried with me, studied with me and gossiped pasal boys ngan I.. And the best part is, when we meet, we can still talk like the good old times.

Lately ni, I don't even know what friendship is all about. It isn't all about hanging out after work, kan? Or is it? I used to hang out with the gang after school but we would still continue the gossips on the phone lepas tu.

These days, I don't hang on the phone with anyone as much. In fact, I often find myself fighting with someone I care a lot.. Maybe the fightings are good. Maybe it'll strengthen the friendship.. but why am I feeling like I'm losing her?

Maybe I'm being paranoid.. but each time we speak, she seemed irritated by me. So okay lah.. memang I telah banyak menyakitkan hati dia these few weeks.. Sigh.. Wish I could tell her I'm sorry. Wish I could tell her that I miss her so much. I miss our endless gossips. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss her giving me the 'oh-I-give-up' on you look.

Whenever we speak now, it's always on a business note. We used to hang out a lot.. going for dinners, or just lepak to talk. Ntah lah.. I just have to say that I miss having her in my life. I hope she forgives me for irritating her. I hope she showers me with affection again. Hmm..

On another note.. I dah tukar phone.. hehe.. My sister's boyfriend bought her a phone with camera.. so I pun gatal. I sold my old phone to Zelle and bought a new one from Hammie. The phone is like 2-months old, but it's pretty alright lah. Funky, I would say. Only thing is that I lost all the sms-es by the 'bastard' yang I stored kat dlm 'My Folders'. Hmmm.. takpe lah. Maybe it's a good thing pun. Sebab it's time I move on and stop thinking about the bastard kan?

I've had the new phone for like four days now. But funny how I have only stored one of his messages worth storing. Tu pun, the message was sent about a week ago. Sigh. Sometimes I try to understand men, but it's just so hard. I know that sometimes they (men) can just retreat into their caves and hide. That they would stay away from you for absolutely no reason at all. Sometimes I try to rationalise.. but most times, I just really don't understand. They leave you (whenever they want to) and when they feel like it, they come running back.. Dah lah. Dah penat. I know men and women think differently, tapi I dah penat fikir about them.

I am seriously thinking of celibacy. To free myself from everyone and to just concentrate on myself. I think I need to do that. Focus my energy on myself, do things that I like and try to understand myself. Debbie told me once that to have someone to love you, I've got to learn to love myself first.

I have been very hard on myself. Blaming myself for almost everything that had happened. Maybe it's time I stop beating myself up so much. Maybe it's time I pamper myself and shower myself with all the attention, cuz frankly, no one's gonna love me if I don't love myself.

Okay lah. Enough blogging. I nak pack up, go to the gym and work out. Cant wait to hit the sauna.. Feeling so stressed up... Hmmm...