I am just a girl, standing in front of a guy, asking him to love her… And then he left her.

Do you think it’ll work? If I were to stand in front of a guy and pleading him to love me.. do you think he will love me?

Urgh. Malas nak fikir. It’s 2006 already and unlike previous years, I am NOT hoping to find someone to love this year. I am NOT hoping to get hitched this year and I am NOT hoping for a guy to fall at my feet.

This year, I only have ONE resolution in mind: To grow up and not give my heart away so easily again.

I broke up (again!) with someone last night. It was unexpected, really. We were watching a movie together, holding hands and all… everything seemed so normal. In fact, he was still calling me “b” and as we got stuck in the jam together, I was still counting my blessings for having found him.

But on our way home, he started talking about us being “different” again. And entah kenapa, I just couldn’t take it anymore. He’s been bringing up the “we’re so different” bit for a few days now.. and frankly, I’m just tired of listening to it.

So what if we are different, I thought. No two persons are the same. Plus, you wouldn’t want to end up with someone who is so very YOU, kan?

Yes, I admit that we are different. It’s probably because of our upbringing and the way we look at life. He’s a very detailed person, while I can’t even tolerate having to go through a manual. He prefers “serious” reading materials while I’m more into chick-lits and fictions. He wants daughters while I am hoping for a son as our firstborn. I think it’s okay to check-in into a hotel once in awhile to just enjoy being away from home while he thinks it’s a waste of money. I think Malaysian-made cars are quite alright but he prefers his car to be Korean-made. He loves to plan far, far ahead while I like to live my life one day at a time.

So yes, we have our differences. But those differences do not affect the way I feel for him.

While he thought we were different in many ways, I appreciated the fact that we were similar in many ways too. In fact, I thought we share the same views on the more important things.

We both appreciate honesty and we believe in working hard to earn a decent living. We both have high respect for our religion and have strong family values. We’re both very simple people who just want to lead a comfortable life. Not luxurious, just comfortable. We are both very passionate people and appreciate just being with eachother. We both love to write and strive at making a difference in other people's lives.

I was quite taken aback when he actually said that we would not be able to sustain the relationship that we had. In my eyes, he was just the perfect man for me. He knows when to make me laugh, when to tease, when to hold and when to let go. He could gauge my mood – when I needed a cuddle, he hugged me unconditionally. When I needed to share my thoughts, he listened intently. And when I’m stressed, he’d make silly jokes to get me to smile.

“It’s no one’s fault, really. We’re just two very different people to be lovers,” he said.

And he went on to tell me that I need a man who is more like me.

I couldn’t sleep last night, just thinking about what he said.

I’ve always broken up with someone with valid reasons. He’s married and won’t leave his wife; he is of a different religion and will not sacrifice his faith for me; he isn’t communicative enough; he has found someone new – someone who is far better than me; he doesn’t understand my career or my need for my own space; etc.

But I have never broken up with someone whom I think is just so right for me. And especially not when we're both at the height of passion.

This man is single, intelligent, cute, funny, quirky, polite and nice. If we are so opposite of eachother, that would make me stupid, ugly, moody, boring, rude and mean, kan? Am I all that?

Ayo. This is so not good for my self-esteem kan? Sigh.

Honestly, I dah penat trying to figure men out. I failed Men 101 again and I dah macam malas nak re-sit. It’s horrible having to go to class and finding out that no matter how hard you work, you will still fail the subject.

I guess, Men 101 is a subject that I will never pass. Sigh. Probably, I should just resign to the fact that while men like me as their friend, I will never be good enough to be their life partner.

Entah lah.

Anyway, happy new year everyone.

Ps./ B, I still don’t understand the sudden change of heart. And I am still clueless as to what kind of man I should be looking for. I was very happy when I found you but it’s unfortunate that I just couldn’t make you feel the same. Sigh. Anyway, thank you for hurting me, for bruising my self-esteem and for making me lose faith in your species. You do give men a bad name.. at least to me lah.

Pss./ To everyone else: I am quite tired of trying to please a man or make a man please me. So I would appreciate if you don’t discuss men with me. Don’t even bother setting me up with anyone anymore. I am just not interested at falling in love and getting hurt all over again. So don’t ask me about love, don’t push me to find someone and don’t lecture me about the importance of having a man and starting a family. I don’t think I have the energy to go love-hunting ever again. Thank you.