StiLL fEeLinG bLuE..

I've been sitting at my place for hours.. going through my e-mails and deleting them one-by-one. And then I came across an e-mail from "b" who signed off as 'Clar*k Kent'. And I can't help feeling sad all over again.

I thought I was alright. The tears were falling down endlessly yesterday but I really thought they would have been dried up by now.

Obviously not. The mere glance at his e-mail and these tears are threatening to fall all over again. God, woman! Get a grip of yourself. You hardly know this guy. And he doesn't even know you. What more love you. Why are you still so affected by him?

I wish I knew.

All I know is that I am now thinking of him, wondering if he's thinking of me too. Was I a mere distraction to him? Was he thinking of someone else while he was with me? Why wasn't I good enough for him? Was I not nice enough? Not intelligent enough? Not attractive enough to win his affection?

Urgh. I so hate this lah. I hate feeling this way at the beginning of a new year. I hate feeling empty, useless, lonely.. I hate all this negativity.

He used to say that I am such a happy person. That I'm constantly laughing and giggling away. That nothing seemed to bother me much.

Boy was he wrong. I guess I'm just good at hiding my emotions. I usually laugh through my tears and make fun of everything to hide my fears, sadness and insecurities. In all honesty, I just don't know how to share my emotions..

Bloody hell, I'm so depressed now. And all because of a man?! Paah! A man who doesn't even know me, for God's sake! A man who never even asked what I want in life, who doesn't know my dreams and never bothered to find out. A man who doesn't even have a clue as to what's important to me and what's not.

And I'm feeling miserable because he's gone? Sheesh. I really have to snap out of this lah.

I'm sorry. I'm rambling again. This is so not good.

There are just so many things to do and it's no use thinking of someone who has conveniently shut me out of his life.

Sweet friends, I'm sorry I just couldn't bring myself to telling you guys what happened. I'm sorry that you have to read my blog to know what went on in my life. But thanks for sensing my uneasiness. Thanks for your comforting words though you don't even have a clue of what I went through. Thanks for giving me the space to be on my own, to think things through and to allow me to pick the remaining pieces of my heart.

B, Raya is just next week and I can't help but think of us. Of how you wanted to meet my parents and all. I've never brought any guy home but I was actually looking forward to spending this Raya with you and my family. Oh dear. I'm hopeless kan? Sometimes, I just don't think enough. Sometimes, I just give my heart so easily and willingly. Sigh. Here's me, praying that you'll have peace and happiness this Raya. Take care ya..

Okay la. This post is just going nowhere. I need to get a grip of myself, pull myself together and learn to stand tall again.

Sigh. I need to focus on my work! Work is the only thing that is keeping me happy.. Hahah.. Work, here I come! :)